The Day I Realised I Wasn't a Catholic!

I was raised in a Catholic family and attended RC schools until I was 18. Three of my Grandparents were Irish who moved to Bradford in the north of England before WW1, but I never knew them because they had all died before I was born. So to say that I come from an Irish Catholic family is a bit of a stretch because we had no links with the old country, and if asked I would have said I was from Yorkshire. In fact the only Grandparent I did know was a true Yorkshireman. Bradford was a boom town in the 19th Century and attracted Irish people looking for work. My Irish Grandfather, Patrick, had several brothers who emigrated to the USA. Bradford obviously had its attractions, with a sizeable population of Irish descent, even having its own soccer team, Bradford Park Avenue with its Celtic-like strip. Bradford City Football Club being its protestant counterpart.

If my ties to Ireland were tenuous my connection to the RC church was little better - I did the stuff required by the Catholic school system but had no personal attachment or sense of belonging. At primary school it was expected that all the lads would serve as altar boys in the parish church on a Sunday. I refused point blank, not that I was making any courageous sort of 'statement' by it, I just felt it looked daft! I gathered later that the Head-Sister (we were taught by nuns) spoke to my parents about this; 'doesn't he realise what an honour it is?!' In fairness to my parents, who were regular church-goers, they never pressed the issue and when I was 13 they allowed me to decide if I still wanted to go to church. I did not.

Despite going through a 'raving atheist' phase in my teens, in one respect being Catholic did remain with me. In the late 1960's when I was 10 or 11 years old 'The Troubles' started in Northern Ireland and I vividly recall the parish priest coming to our house and speaking to my mother about the possibility of the violence spilling over to the UK mainland. My mother was in genuine fear and even though I didn't understand all that was said, being of a sensitive nature too I registered that sense of foreboding. Occasionally school would finish early and I recall that we would be told to go home directly when rumours circulated that gangs were planning to target Catholic kids - often in response to some IRA bomb outrage. Looking back now it may seem far-fetched that 'The Troubles' should affect us but the fear was genuine enough at the time, even if it never came to anything.

When I was 17 I started attending an Evangelical church and it grieved me that some people I knew felt a sense of betrayal far more acutely then than when I had ceased to attend Mass.

Later when I left school, in 1976, my first job was working in the Criminal Litigation department of a firm of solicitors in Bradford. The senior partner was an amiable gent called Desmond Joyce who, as this story will go on to relate, was a pillar of the Irish Catholic community, a point I had completely failed to register. One day I took a phone call for Mr Joyce from his golf partner arranging a game, I wrote down his name phonetically having asked him to repeat it a couple of times. Later I passed on the message to the Senior Partner, 'an Italian bloke called for you' I said. He looked mystified, slowly I read out the name, 'a Signor Roncelli'. Mr Joyce looked at me in despair, 'that should be Monsignor Ron Kelly, stupid boy!'
That was the day I realised that I really wasn't a Catholic!

What is the opposite of Love? I've often heard people say 'hate' in reply to this question. Someone suggested 'indifference' - which is a little closer to the mark - but I believe the answer is 'self-love'. True love recognises that one is NOT the centre of the universe and that the focus is other than oneself. True love questions our concepts of 'autonomy', 'individuality' and 'self-actualisation'. If we primarily see relationships as a means to self-fulfillment then that is not love.

DOUBT IN PERSPECTIVE.

Unbelief is an act of will, rather than a difficulty in understanding.

Doubt often means asking questions or voicing uncertainties from the standpoint of faith. You believe - but you have difficulties with that faith, or are worried about it in some way. Faith and doubt aren't mutually exclusive - but faith and unbelief are.


Doubt is probably a permanent feature of the Christian life. It's like some kind of spiritual growing pain. Sometimes, it recedes into the background; at other times, it comes to the forefront, making its presence felt with a vengeance. A medical practitioner I knew once remarked that life was a permanent battle against all sorts of diseases, with good health being little more than an ability to keep disease at at bay. For some people, the life of faith often seems like that - a permanent battle against doubt. It is helpful to think of doubt as a symptom of our human frailty, of our reluctance to trust God. Let's develop this by thinking about how people come to faith.



Coming to faith - with unresolved doubts.

One way of understanding conversion runs like this. What stops people from coming to faith in God is doubt. After wrestling with these various doubts and overcoming them, the way is clear to come to faith. Coming to faith this happens once all doubt has been cleared out of the way. Faith excludes doubt! Now it is quite possible that some people do come to faith this way. However, most do not. Experience suggests that a rather different way of understanding conversion is more reliable.


Many people feel deeply attracted by the gospel, despite their doubts. On the one hand, their doubts are real, and hold them back from faith; on the other, the pull of the gospel is strong, and draws them towards faith. In the end, they decide to put their trust in God and in Jesus Christ, despite unresolved anxieties and difficulties. They are still in two minds. They hope their doubts and difficulties will be sorted out as they grow in faith. The seventeenth-century philosopher Francis bacon commended this way in his Advancement of Learning (1605): 'If a man will begin with certainties, he will end in doubts; but if he is content to begin with doubts, he will end in certainties.'

An analogy may make this clearer. Suppose you are at a really boring party one evening, when you meet someone you feel drawn to. You get to know this person, and, as time goes on, realize you're falling in love. However, you hold back from allowing the relationship to develop any further. After all, you don't really know the other person that well. There might be some dark side to their character. Can you really trust them? And, like many people, you may have a sense of personal inadequacy: what, you wonder, could this other person possibly see in you? Could they ever possibly fall in love with you? You are profoundly attracted to them, yet you hold back. You have doubts. You're in two minds about it.


Now in this situation, you have two options. You can still hold back, and become a prisoner of your doubts and hesitations. If we all did this all the time, we'd miss out on many of life's great adventures and surprises - including both falling in love and discovering the Christian faith. Or you can take a risk. You can say, 'I'm going to give this a try, and hope that my doubts and anxieties will be resolved as things go on.' And so you allow the relationship to develop.


Many people become Christians in that kind of spirit. They are aware of the enormous attraction of the gospel; they are deeply moved by the thought of Jesus Christ dying for their sins; they are excited by the great gospel promises of forgiveness and newness of life. Or they have experienced glimpses of transcendence, and just know there is a God out there. They decide to reach out in faith, and claim these as their own. As for their doubts and anxieties? They hope they will be resolved and put in their proper perspective as their relationship with God develops. 'I believe; help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24).



Quoted from pages 14 & 15 of "Doubt in Perspective" by Alister McGrath., published by Inter-Varsity Press (IVP), ISBN: 978-1-84474-137-3.

"THE WALL!"

THE TROUBLE WITH STUDENTS & THE THEORY-PRACTICE GAP!

In the article entitled "Now and Then - the trouble with students, in the June 2008 issue of Paediatric Nursing (20,5,12), the author discussed the enduring problem of 'the theory-practice gap' and reflected, helpfully, on the history of the clinical nurse teacher role, which has long since vanished. The article implies that Nursing blundered into the theory-practice gap haplessly, rather than it being a considered decision, taken consciously by the movers and shakers of the nursing profession at the time.

I recall one of my RGN tutors in the early 1980's at St James' University Hospital in Leeds lamenting the fact that the school of nursing was set back from the hospital and not an integral part of the building.

When I returned to "Jimmy's" in the late 1980's to do my paediatric course, our tutor took the opposite view. She thought that a physical gap was essential to create good practice. In fact, she advocated building a wall between the school and the hospital and having a separate entrance.

This tutor was instrumental in setting up up the paediatric branch of what was then known as 'Project 2000'. She, and presumably her generation of nurse leaders, were determined to recreate the Nursing profession along an entirely new model. Any suggestion we made were treated with with scorn despite the fact that we were already qualified nurses with several years' clinical experience. The attitude was that our clinical experience would 'contaminate' the new students with bad practices. In her view it was essential to break that cycle.

Nurse education was not perfect prior to 'Project 2000' , but student nurses were valued members of the clinical team; today's students do not have that sense of belonging and lose out in terms of clinical practice which is actually where theory and reality meet. When I completed my third year I was ready to be in charge of a surgical ward on nights as my first job as a staff nurse; today's students do not have that confidence.

The 'theory-practice gap' did not come about by the law of unintended consequences, it was the ideologically driven rejection of clinical experience that created that rift.

"YOU SWEEP THEM AWAY AS WITH A FLOOD; THEY ARE LIKE A DREAM."

Twenty years ago today the Berlin Wall was breached signalling the end of the Communist experiment in Europe. Within a few years the Soviet Union folded up and the world seemed destined for a unipolar future. Some even speculated that with the apparent triumph of Liberal - Capitalist- Democracy history itself had reached some sort of definitive conclusion.

Growing up in the 60's and 70's the mighty USSR seemed to be a monolithic power structure which would certainly outlast me - how wrong I was. As ludicrous as it seems now the Soviet Union and its empire seemed an unassailable fact of life and some of my contemporaries even saw it, on balance, as a force for good!

Psalm 90 seems apt;
"You return man to dust
and say, "Return, o children of man!"
For a thousand years in your sight
are but as yesterday when it is past,
or as a watch in the night."

It would be a bad mistake to put our trust in Mankind - whatever the political or economic ideology. The lesson of history is not the triumph of capitalism or democracy but the fragility of all that Man constructs and the hubris which asserts its ascendancy. Only God is "from everlasting to everlasting" and security is only found in Him! "Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations". Amen.

11th November 2009. A Wonderful Addendum!
I would like to add this additional comment: God sweeps aside these pretentions of Mankind - these mighty empires come for a season and wither; they are utterly insignificant to God. But in case we are tempted to feel that our individual lives have even less significance 2 Peter 3v8 relecting on Psalm 90 says this, "with the Lord one day is as a thousand years...." Nothing is insignificant to the Lord - He has all the time in the world for you!

FIFTY NOT OUT!
I've hit a half century and I'm still batting! The great thing about being fifty years old is knowing that I'm half way through my race and I'm beginning to get an idea of what life is about! I believe that a guy should know what he is going to do with his life by the time he is fifty! Besides having a bit of maturity in life's university I'm also (reasonably) still fit and healthy; and that is a double blessing! Of course I've made some dreadful mistakes in life and hurt people in the process - I often wish I could make amends but the passage of time makes that inappropriate if not impossible; afterall who wants a bad penny turning up after a decade or two only to salve their own conscience - for whose benefit is that really?

Others may have hurt me or circumstances thwarted my ambitions - but I wouldn't exchange those reverses. These events are the very things which help shape us and make us who we are. And actually none of them are unique to us. The chief thing is knowing how God has had a hand on my life particularly at those times I felt most bereft. Again there is nothing uncommon in this. I want to emphasise how faithful the "enscripturated Word" has proved over the years. I see my story written there in all its ghastly detail, it holds a mirror up to my face and has faithfully shown me who I am; the face I show no one else! That's how I know it speaks the truth.

The usual format of a Christian "testimony" like this is to spell out what worldly depths I had sunk to - but that isn't the case with me. I was raised in a highly moral family (and that isn't a bad thing) so when I subsequently became a Christian my problem was not the usual suspects of sex, drugs or money but something altogether more insidious; the problem of pharisaiism! (Or moral rule keeping). Yes, the Gospel is not about moralism!. The trouble with this particular sin is that it is one which can pass unnoticed within evangelicalism. And if people thought highly of me in those early years it was because they didn't perceive this trait in me, but then nor did I. They had much too high an opinion of me - as I did! I hasten to add that the Gospel does not therefore give us licence to sin - Jesus said that 'our righteouness must exceed that of the Pharisees' in Matthew 5 v20; what it does mean is that righteouness is not a substitute for Grace. And if I've learnt anything in the last fifty years is that it's all about Grace!

UNIVERSITY OF SCIATICA .

During the spell I was laid up with back pain I made
use of time off of work to read books, listen to audio
Cds and watch documentaries on TV and DVD. I call
this time in my life "The University of Sciatica"!

I've already mentioned Melvyn Bragg's "In our Time"
radio series in an earlier blog, but I want to flag up
a couple of other good sources I discovered during
my enforced 'sabbatical'.

'Amazon' are always a good resource if you are house
bound. Great books, reasonably priced delivered to
your door. If you are not a great reader why not try
an audio book? Push the boat out and try a subject
or author you've never heard of - who knows where it
might lead?! You will be the richer for having tried!
Amazon also have a great DVD rental service.

I stumbled across a company based in the USA who
provide university (college) style lectures in a variety
of media. I've bought a few courses in audio CD from
them over the last few months "CS Lewis", "Western
Civilization", "Russian Literature", "Natural Law", "Books
that changed the World", one on Chinese civilisation
"From Yao to Mao" and latterly "The Birth of the Modern
Mind - an intellectual history of the 17th & 18th centuries"!
These and many other courses are available from 'The
Teaching Company' http://www.teach12.com/ Check out their
e-catalog! Some advice; (1) I personally wouldn't order
the transcripts as the courses do come with some,
perfectly adequate, written notes. (2) For customers
outside the USA be aware that your local customs may
impose a charge [eg HMG Customs will levy a charge on
product worth over $50]. These are my only caveats -
this company is an excellent resource; I recommend them
to you.

As for Bible teaching I thoroughly recommend
www.shmedia.org.uk and www.thegoodbook.co.uk Maybe
you too will one day have an opportunity like mine to
create your own curriculum in your own learning experience!
Don't knock it! The Good Book Company also offer
correspondence courses to certificate level through the
"Open Bible Institute" [formerly known as the Moore
College Correspondence Courses]. I've done the 'Bible
Introduction' and 'New testament 1' [that's Mark's Gospel]
in times past and I'm presently having a crack at 'Old
Testament 1' [that's the Pentateuch]. The exams are
optional - but hey if you're going to do the work why not
go for the certificate?! http://www.open-bible-institute.org/

Just one more recommendation; I created my own
'University of Sciatica' t-shirt online at http://www.eshirt.it/
Honest, it's a really easy site to use and they have some
great designs which you can customise, or you can upload
your own image if you like.

Over the last couple of months I've been gradually
increasing the number of hours at work; initially doing
office based stuff and more recently doing clinical work
on the Children's Intensive Care Unit at 'Sonata Smith's
Hospital' in London. Oh, and earlier this month I managed
to do my previously aborted walking trip to the Lake
District. So things are definately moving in the right
direction.